It has been a while since my last post and not too much new has been happening. I have now lost almost 30 lbs and feel better than I have in years. I am eating better and actually starting to get a little exercise. I have been riding my bike a little bit and doing a few more sit-ups in preparation for our Mexico trip in about 6 weeks. Physically I am at a place that I have wanted to be at over the past 6 years or so, but never had the motivation to get with the program and drop the weight. I am feeling good, and happy that I have been able to make good decisions for my life and health.
Spiritually I cannot say the same thing. I am still in the place of wanting things that I am not willing to get motivated about and go after. Call it a dry season if you will. It is not that I do not feel God moving at all, which is how most people would describe a dry time, but it is that I feel him moving too much and it is making me uncomfortable. Weird I know. It is a dry time becasue I am making it dry, not becasue God is not speaking. I am battling with my faith right now when it comes to prayer for healing and prayer for change, basically any prayer for movement. I have no idea why my faith seems so weak right now, and after all these years of walking with Jesus and reading the Word I can honestly say I have never felt this clueless as to the ways of God. I feel like I know nothing. Who knows, maybe that is a good place to be, but I am having a hard time understanding it. I am having a hard time fighting off lies and going after the things I know He has called me to. I think I am scarred, which I hate to admit, but I am FULL of the fear of man and what they will think of my crazy belief in this unseen God. What will the lady at the counter think if I tell her God loves her, and the waiter or waitress when I tell them that Jesus is real. I have no idea how they will react and I think that terrifies me. So, I operate really well within my church family and with my friends that know my heart, but out on the streets where it really counts I feel like a complete coward. I am at a place where i have to ask myself if I really even believe all this Jesus stuff (which I completely do) and if so, why am I not yelling it from the top of my lungs every chance God gives me? It is just stupid the way I operate.
I want to be free of pride and free of fear and I trust Jesus to do it, but I feel completely lost right now as to how I am going to get there. Until then life still feels like it is going around in circles and I am getting sick of it. I am ready for something new. I am restless. As Lance always says, the best prayer we can ever pray is "Jesus, Help Me." So....Jesus, Help me!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Feeling Good and Feeling Restless
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3 comments:
thanks for the honesty bro - it strikes chords. First, and I have not commented on this yet - way to freaking go on the weight loss! That seriously is great.
As for spiritually - the fear thing rears its ugly head too often for us Christian men. I too am fearful to tell random people about Jesus. I think it has to do more with not how I will be perceived, but how the gospel will be received. I believe it's important for people to acknowledge Christ but I just don't see it happening in the systematized way that has been presented to me most of my life. I have been challenged with this more and more as I work with teenagers and try to unlearn some of those "systems" of how to present Jesus and the Gospel.
Anyways, it is a larger discussion than the comments section allows. :) Thanks for getting me thinking bro, I always enjoy your posts!
Good words, Pete. I appreciate your honesty. Every day, I see Jesus stripping more of that fear off of all of us. Fear will not have victory. Jesus will, and because of that, we will all learn to walk in more boldness and the power that He gives. It's not what we can do, but rather what He can do through us. I'm so excited to see Him use all of us in big ways this year. Rock on.
Man oh man! I wish I had some real nice words to write and encourage you. It seems all that I have is this...keep on pressing on through all of this. I am learning that the older we get in life the less we really know. I feel your struggle through all of this and I hope you know that I am struggling with you and battling with you at your side. I will pray that Jesus meets you in the middle of the questions and the Kingdom of God colides with your heart...then who knows what might happen.
Andy
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