Intersection

"When I choose to avoid whatever it is God has brought up, something in me weakens. Something feels compromised. It is at the least a rufusal to mature, but it also feels like a refusal to step toward God. When I choose to face the uncertian, admit the neglect or enter into my fears, something in me grows up a little bit. I feel strengthened. The scales tip toward a closer walk with God." - Walking with God by John Eldredge.

My heart is really connecting with this statement. It feels so true and it feels like an intersection I am sitting at. I want obedience in my character.

Feeling Good and Feeling Restless

It has been a while since my last post and not too much new has been happening. I have now lost almost 30 lbs and feel better than I have in years. I am eating better and actually starting to get a little exercise. I have been riding my bike a little bit and doing a few more sit-ups in preparation for our Mexico trip in about 6 weeks. Physically I am at a place that I have wanted to be at over the past 6 years or so, but never had the motivation to get with the program and drop the weight. I am feeling good, and happy that I have been able to make good decisions for my life and health.

Spiritually I cannot say the same thing. I am still in the place of wanting things that I am not willing to get motivated about and go after. Call it a dry season if you will. It is not that I do not feel God moving at all, which is how most people would describe a dry time, but it is that I feel him moving too much and it is making me uncomfortable. Weird I know. It is a dry time becasue I am making it dry, not becasue God is not speaking. I am battling with my faith right now when it comes to prayer for healing and prayer for change, basically any prayer for movement. I have no idea why my faith seems so weak right now, and after all these years of walking with Jesus and reading the Word I can honestly say I have never felt this clueless as to the ways of God. I feel like I know nothing. Who knows, maybe that is a good place to be, but I am having a hard time understanding it. I am having a hard time fighting off lies and going after the things I know He has called me to. I think I am scarred, which I hate to admit, but I am FULL of the fear of man and what they will think of my crazy belief in this unseen God. What will the lady at the counter think if I tell her God loves her, and the waiter or waitress when I tell them that Jesus is real. I have no idea how they will react and I think that terrifies me. So, I operate really well within my church family and with my friends that know my heart, but out on the streets where it really counts I feel like a complete coward. I am at a place where i have to ask myself if I really even believe all this Jesus stuff (which I completely do) and if so, why am I not yelling it from the top of my lungs every chance God gives me? It is just stupid the way I operate.

I want to be free of pride and free of fear and I trust Jesus to do it, but I feel completely lost right now as to how I am going to get there. Until then life still feels like it is going around in circles and I am getting sick of it. I am ready for something new. I am restless. As Lance always says, the best prayer we can ever pray is "Jesus, Help Me." So....Jesus, Help me!

Before and After Pt. 2

Since January 1st, I have lost approx 22 lbs. The first pic is from our Christmas card and the second pic is from March 29th. It has been 3 months of eating a lot better and just watching portion sizes. I have not really been working out, except for an occasional basketball game. Only problem with all this is that I now have to buy new pants, oh well, I guess I will take it.

Before and After Pt. 1

This is not something off of "Extreme Home Makeover," but over the past year or so we have done quite a bit work to the outside of our house, so I wanted to share some pictures with you. I am an idiot and forgot to take an actual "before" picture, but I found this picture of our house in 2002, so it works.

Our house in 2002.

This is a winter pic with the grass still dormant and the flowers not yet blooming, but it shows what I have been up to latley. My frined Randy and I tore out the existing cement walkway and I added a flagstone walk as well as the new "big" garden bed. I just recently planted the trees and plants a few weeks ago and plan to add a few more things to fill it out a bit.

Another view of the garden. Hope you enjoy the pics.

Light Drums

R-I-S-K

Last Sunday at church a guy named Brian Blount spoke about what is happening right now in the Kingdom in Oklahoma City. It was one of the most encouraging and challenging times I have had lately and it has brought on more thoughts throughout this week. Basically he was talking about the reality of God and how good He is. A few weeks ago there was a weekend event in OKC called Harvest Fest where a bunch of churches got together to love and serve the community and Brian shared many stories about he and a group going through some of the poorest areas of town praying for people and seeing God show up in amazing ways bringing both healings and salvations.

For me it was a story of a group of people with boldness who really believed that they had “Good News” to share. They just went out and went for it. They asked if they could pray for people, they shared the story of Jesus and a loving God, and as they prayed over people, God healed them!! Salvation happened!! Lives were changed!!

Now that is encouraging stuff, and it actually sounds really easy doesn’t it? But that morning as I was listening and even now I still feel nauseous when I think about walking up to someone and asking to pray and share Jesus. I doubt whether or not Jesus would really heal the people I would pray for. (for the record I did go up and recieve prayer over those feelings). I have prayed for lots of people and have never seen instant healing. I have seen things that I have prayed for come to pass in time, but never that instant healing. I have tried, but I guess it was just not in His timing to heal right when I prayed. So unfortunately I feel doubt when I think about going and doing it. I know that part of it is fear of man and wondering what people would think and that is total BS, because it should not matter. The only thing that should matter is obedience to what I feel God is calling me to do whether it is in the grocery store or restaurant or church. He is in control of my reputation, not me.

Brian talked about how you spell the word “faith” as R-I-S-K. I have heard that statement before and always thought of it as a Christian cliché, but this time it really got me thinking about how much I do not risk in my faith. A risk is walking up to someone with a cane and telling them that God is going to heal them today. That is really laying it on the line, putting it all on God and then just trusting and having faith that He will come and heal. I have prayed for people that were sick before, but I usually just ask God to heal them and hope that at some point they will start getting better, but I have never gone into that situation and risked it all and told that person “God is going to heal you right now so let’s pray.” I think I have never done that because I have no idea whether God is going to heal that person or not….how am I to know the thoughts of God and His plans? I want that confidence and I want that risking faith. I want to trust that God is going to come move, but when I am honest I have to say that I am not sure it will happen.

All in all I guess I just want a deeper faith to believe that He is going to move through me. I want to have fearless confidence and boldness in sharing the “Good News.” I want to be able to risk things and put them on God’s plate and trust Him to do what He knows is best. I want to hear His voice as He speaks and be obedient to what I hear. I really do want this stuff and I want a deeper faith that the kingdom of God is active and moving all around us.

Stuck in a Stage

I allowed myself to admit something the other day that has been true for some time, but I have always pushed it aside. It is something that always comes up when I see a friend or aquaintence and they ask "How have things been?" or "What have you been up to latley?" I think to myself and then answer the same thing every time...."Things are good, not much new going on, just working all day and going home." That seems to pretty much sum up my life over the last 6 months. Same old stuff. Sure there are other things going on from time to time, we are a part of a house church and d-group as well as church on Sunday morning, but it all just feels like a cycle, a rythem where everything is running a little too smooth. Everyday is predictable.

I thank God for the life he has given me, I do not want to complain about it whatsoever becasue I am so blessed, but I guess I just do not feel challenged by many things. I am too comfortable and settled in my life and I feel stuck in this stage.

I also feel that the change that I sense needs to happen is not something that has to do with my circumstances (work, church, relationships etc.), but it has to do with my heart and the way I am choosing to live. I am choosing to be as comfortable as possible and as lazy as I can get away with becasue I think that is what I want, but all it has done is give birth to this viscious cycle that I feel stuck in. A self-obsessed cycle where I am king and what I say goes. It looks silly when I type that, but there is some truth to it.

I do not have all the answers, but I am praying for change in my heart. I also do not want to continue to bash myself over things that I feel are not quite right becasue I know we all have those things in our lives. God has deposited so many good things in my life and I really am trying my best to live them out. I guess what I am feeling right now is just a sense of a change that needs to take place and He needs to do it in me. You can only get stuck if you stay in the same place to long, so I believe it is time to take a step foward and trust.

24

Have you ever wondered what the show 24 would have looked like if it had come out a few years ealier?? Well wonder no more! Enjoy this video and see what CTU would have looked like in 1994....pretty funny stuff if you are a 24 fan. Thanks to my frined Andy Garlich for passing on this video to me.

Is Faith Enough?

I feel like a lot of times I have a lazy faith, one that takes a lot and gives little. One that is self absorbed and so inward focused that my life natuarlly feels out of whack. I know it seems like an extreme because there are some people out there that never bother to take a look inside and what is going on in there, and only focus their attention outward. I have had a strong sense latley that I need a balance in my walk with Jesus.

God brought to mind the book of James and how he talked about the relationship between our faith and our works. Now let me state that I do beleve that I am saved by my faith in Jesus Christ and His grace to save me, and it is not becasue of my deeds that he saves me, but at the same time they still go together in a very intricate way.

Becasue of my love for Jesus I want it (works) to natuarlly come out of me, but that is sadly not the case. I want to see Jesus do some much in this city and in relationships, but what am I doing to activly pursue seeing those things? I watch so many people that I look up to and I see them give their time so freely to serve and love others and I want to get to that place, I need to get to that place becasue I beleive Jesus will meet me there in new ways.

I have a "Little Brother" with Big Brothers Big Sisters, and we have just started our relationship in the last few months and it has been a really tough thing for me. It is something that is way out of my comfort zone, but I felt like Jesus was asking me to do it, with much reluctence I obeyed and it is good, but hard. I want to be more active in the city with such places as The Refuge, and Cross and Crown. I want to be more active in the mission of our House Church in the Village. All these thing are things that I want deep down in my heart, and I want to do them becasue I love Jesus and need to be about giving my life away, not hording it, but in the end it is hard. In the end I work all day and come home tired and ready to veg. In the end I want the weekends to be about me and what I want and my projects.

In the end my faith becomes all about me and how I feel, so I sit at church during worship and evaluate my heart and find my love for Jesus to be present, but I also feel like He has so much more for me, that He is calling me to the front lines of what He is doing, almost like I have a valuble part to play if I would just accept that role and allow Him to lead me. I don't know, I just sense that my faith is not always enough and I need to get off the couch and get to living...get to serving. This is my prayer.

Do You Speak German?

I do not speak German either, but I still think this is pretty cool. About a year or so ago a German publisher got ahold of Crystal and NavPress and wanted the rights to publisher her book in German. Of course everyone involved agreed and here is the finished product:


Crystal has had the oppurtunity to go and speak a few times in Germany and has always had amazing times of ministry while over there. Hopefully this book will further encourage them to live fully for Jesus and what He has for them.